Hieroglyphic Tales Read online

  TALE 1.

  _A new Arabian Night's Entertainment._

  At the foot of the great mountain Hirgonq?u was anciently situated thekingdom of Larbidel. Geographers, who are not apt to make such justcomparisons, said, it resembled a football just going to be kicked away;and so it happened; for the mountain kicked the kingdom into the ocean,and it has never been heard of since.

  One day a young princess had climbed up to the top of the mountain togather goat's eggs, the whites of which are excellent for taking offfreckles.--Goat's eggs!--Yes--naturalists hold that all Beings areconceived in an egg. The goats of Hirgonq?u might be oviparous, and laytheir eggs to be hatched by the sun. This is my supposition; no matterwhether I believe it myself or not. I will write against and abuse anyman that opposes my hypothesis. It would be fine indeed if learned menwere obliged to believe what they assert.

  The other side of the mountain was inhabited by a nation of whom theLarbidellians knew no more than the French nobility do of Great Britain,which they think is an island that some how or other may be approachedby land. The princess had strayed into the confines of Cucurucu, whenshe suddenly found herself seized by the guards of the prince thatreigned in that country. They told her in few words that she must beconveyed to the capital and married to the giant their lord and emperor.The giant, it seems, was fond of having a new wife every night, who wasto tell him a story that would last till morning, and then have her headcut off--such odd ways have some folks of passing their wedding-nights!The princess modestly asked, why their master loved such long stories?The captain of the guard replied, his majesty did not sleep well--Well!said she, and if he does not!--not but I believe I can tell as longstories as any princess in Asia. Nay, I can repeat Leonidas by heart,and your emperor must be wakeful indeed if he can hold out against that.

  By this time they were arrived at the palace. To the great surprise ofthe princess, the emperor, so far from being a giant, was but five feetone inch in height; but being two inches taller than any of hispredecessors, the flattery of his courtiers had bestowed the name of_giant_ on him; and he affected to look down upon any man above his ownstature. The princess was immediately undressed and put to bed, hismajesty being impatient to hear a new story.

  Light of my eyes, said the emperor, what is your name? I call myself theprincess Gronovia, replied she; but my real appellation is the frowGronow. And what is the use of a name, said his majesty, but to becalled by it? And why do you pretend to be a princess, if you are not?My turn is romantic, answered she, and I have ever had an ambition ofbeing the heroine of a novel. Now there are but two conditions thatentitle one to that rank; one must be a shepherdess or a princess. Well,content yourself, said the giant, you will die an empress, withoutbeing either the one or the other! But what sublime reason had you forlengthening your name so unaccountably? It is a custom in my family,said she: all my ancestors were learned men, who wrote about the Romans.It sounded more classic, and gave a higher opinion of their literature,to put a Latin termination to their names. All this is Japonese to me,said the emperor; but your ancestors seem to have been a parcel ofmountebanks. Does one understand any thing the better for corruptingone's name? Oh, said the princess, but it shewed taste too. There wasa time when in Italy the learned carried this still farther; and a manwith a large forehead, who was born on the fifth of January, calledhimself Quintus Januarius Fronto. More and more absurd, said theemperor. You seem to have a great deal of impertinent knowledge about agreat many impertinent people; but proceed in your story: whence cameyou? Mynheer, said she, I was born in Holland--The deuce you was, saidthe emperor, and where is that? It was no where, replied the princess,spritelily, till my countrymen gained it from the sea--Indeed, moppet!said his majesty; and pray who were your countrymen, before you had anycountry? Your majesty asks a vey shrewd question, said she, which Icannot resolve on a sudden; but I will step home to my library, andconsult five or six thousand volumes of modern history, an hundred ortwo dictionaries, and an abridgment of geography in forty volumes infolio, and be back in an instant. Not so fast, my life, said theemperor, you must not rise till you go to execution; it is now one inthe morning, and you have not begun your story.

  My great grandfather, continued the princess, was a Dutch merchant, whopassed many years in Japan--On what account? said the emperor. He wentthither to abjure his religion, said she, that he might get money enoughto return and defend it against Philip 2d. You are a pleasant family,said the emperor; but though I love fables, I hate genealogies. I knowin all families, by their own account, there never was any thing butgood and great men from father to son; a sort of fiction that does notat all amuse me. In my dominions there is no nobility but flattery.Whoever flatters me best is created a great lord, and the titles Iconfer are synonimous to their merits. There is Kiss-my-breech-Can, myfavourite; Adulation-Can, lord treasurer; Prerogative-Can, head of thelaw; and Blasphemy-Can, high-priest. Whoever speaks truth, corrupts hisblood, and is ipso facto degraded. In Europe you allow a man to be noblebecause one of his ancestors was a flatterer. But every thingdegenerates, the farther it is removed from its source. I will not heara word of any of your race before your father: what was he?

  It was in the height of the contests about the bull unigenitus--I tellyou, interrupted the emperor, I will not be plagued with any more ofthose people with Latin names: they were a parcel of coxcombs, and seemto have infected you with their folly. I am sorry, replied Gronovia,that your sublime highness is so little acquainted with the state ofEurope, as to take a papal ordinance for a person. Unigenitus is Latinfor the Jesuits--And who the devil are the Jesuits? said the giant.You explain one nonsensical term by another, and wonder I am never thewiser. Sir, said the princess, if you will permit me to give you a shortaccount of the troubles that have agitated Europe for these last twohundred years, on the doctrines of grace, free-will, predestination,reprobation, justification, &c. you will be more entertained, and willbelieve less, than if I told your majesty a long story of fairies andgoblins. You are an eternal prater, said the emperor, and veryself-sufficient; but talk your fill, and upon what subject you like tilltomorrow morning; but I swear by the soul of the holy Jirigi, who rodeto heaven on the tail of a magpie, as soon as the clock strikes eight,you are a dead woman. Well, who was the Jesuit Unigenitus?

  The novel doctrines that had sprung up in Germany, said Gronovia, madeit necessary for the church to look about her. The disciples ofLoyola--Of whom? said the emperor, yawning--Ignatius Loyola, the founderof the Jesuits, replied Gronovia, was--A writer of Roman history, Isuppose, interrupted the emperor: what the devil were the Romans to you,that you trouble your head so much about them? The empire of Rome, andthe church of Rome, are two distinct things, said the princess; and yet,as one may say, the one depends upon the other, as the new testamentdoes on the old. One destroyed the other, and yet pretends a right toits inheritance. The temporalities of the church--What's o'clock, saidthe emperor to the chief eunuch? it cannot sure be far from eight--thiswoman has gossipped at least seven hours. Do you hear, mytomorrow-night's wife shall be dumb--cut her tongue out before you bringher to our bed. Madam, said the eunuch, his sublime highness, whoseerudition passes the lands of the sea, is too well acquainted with allhuman sciences to require information. It is therefore that his exaltedwisdom prefers accounts of what never happened, to any relation eitherin history or divinity--You lie, said the emperor; when I exclude truth,I certainly do not mean to forbid divinity--How many divinities haveyou in Europe, woman? The council of Trent, replied Gronovia, hasdecided--the emperor began to snore--I mean, continued Gronovia, thatnotwithstanding all father Paul has asserted, cardinal Palaviciniaffirms that in the three first sessions of that council--the emperorwas now fast asleep, which the princess and the chief eunuch perceiving,clapped several pillows upon his face, and held them there till heexpired. As soon as they were convinced he was dead, the princess,putting on every mark of despair and concern, issued to the divan,where she was immediately proclaimed empress. The emperor,
it was givenout, had died of an hermorrhoidal cholic, but to shew her regard for hismemory, her imperial majesty declared she would strictly adhere to themaxims by which he had governed. Accordingly she espoused a new husbandevery night, but dispensed with their telling her stories, and wasgraciously pleased also, upon their good behaviour, to remit thesubsequent execution. She sent presents to all the learned men in Asia;and they in return did not fail to cry her up as a pattern of clemency,wisdom, and virtue: and though the panegyrics of the learned aregenerally as clumsy as they are fulsome, they ventured to allure herthat their writings would be as durable as brass, and that the memory ofher glorious reign would reach to the latest posterity.